Most mothers were there the moment their children were created. They were able to nurture the new life God blessed them with from the beginning. I on the other hand was not there until our children were born and in some cases well into their childhoods. They were nurtured by other mothers, aunts and sometimes family friends. These precious children knew loss well before they should have. When this happens children are forced to grieve in ways many of us could never imagine. They are left with large holes in their emotional well being. Then they are placed in new families and are expected to thrive.
This is not an easy task. I remember when Amber was little well into her pre-teen years she grieved for her birth mother. She didn't understand why her bio-mom wasn't there and it hurt. I remember holding her on many occasion soothing her through tears of my own letting her know it was alright to cry and to miss her bio-mom. After all could I have survived my mom moving away from me at 6 years old? At 29 this would have been devastating, so how much more was it to my daughter? Looking back I think crying with her and allowing her to grieve in her way showed her that I loved her and I was there even when it wasn't easy. There were times I wished that we could just be a family without the grief and hurt, but this was the path we were walking and it would have been foolish to expect a young child to just get over it. There was a natural biological pull to her birth mom, it didn't mean I was unloved, as I have told Amber on many occasions, she has enough love for 2 moms. As the years went on our relationship grew in new ways and she knows that I would never leave her, that I would love her through anything.
A couple of years ago Alex who cried when he found out I wasn't his bio-mom wanted to reach out to his first mom and see what that would be like. I was scared but knew that this was a normal phase, he was missing a part of his life that was no longer there. He loved me but had to know this other part of him. We loved him through this journey, we were there when he had questions and doubts. This too strengthened our bond. He now says it is like I am his biological mother, I know that he had to travel to this road, it wasn't about me, it was about the man he is becoming.
When Amarissa and Annaliese were born and placed with us I read extensively on bonding with adopted infants. We wore them, took advantage of skin on skin snuggling. And were always there with comfort after a biological parent or caseworker visit, we wanted them to know that we are their parents and would always be there with comfort and love for them.
With Drew, he bonded with Donald immediately. Donald was dad to Drew immediately. It took Drew longer to want to refer to me as mom. He had been hurt and abandoned by the only mother he had ever known and he wasn't sure he needed that type of relationship in his life. I had to come face to face with the possibility that I may only be able to love and care for him in a caregiver role, but I was going to be the best most loving care giver he had ever had. He was my son no matter what. Now we have been a family for almost 5 years and I am his mom through and through. I know that he loves me and we are bonded but in those early days I wasn't so sure.
A conversation tonight put me face to face with some uneasy questions. Why did I bond with my children through so many obstacles? What makes us different than other families who became mom and dad under the same circumstances? And I think the answer is, we chose these children, through good and bad, and there have been both, but these are my children and I am their mom through all of life not just when it is easy for me to be mom. No matter what we wanted them to know that we loved them with all we had even if they rejected it. They know hurt, they know rejection that no human should ever know, and they aren't equipped as children to handle it and we didn't want to add to their hurt and rejection, so we make sure that they know how much they are and were wanted. How hard we fought to get them and to keep them. And how happy we are that God chose us to be their parents. Believe it or not we have had these conversations in the middle of temper tantrums, eye rolling, and rebellion. Children deserve unconditional love. They didn't ask to be born in families that are dysfunctional, selfish and broken, they cope the best they can. We as adoptive parents are to come alongside them and gently train them that they don't have to stay broken. It doesn't have to define who they are. Is it sad, yes it is heart wrenching, but it was an event in their life, not a defining moment. And we strive to show them all that God has brought to them since the hurt and rejection, and all that God gave us the moment He decided to place them in this family. None of this was their choice and it is up to Donald and I to be the adults and raise these children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and for us that means giving them unconditional love just as Christ has given us.
We love him, because he first loved us. I John 4:19
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Romans 8:35
As Christians we are to take Christ's love to the world, what better place to start than in our own home and with our own (step, adopted, grand) children?
***Now please don't think that I think I have it all figured out. I have had alot of love and support in my journey as a step parent and then as a foster/adoptive parent. I learned early that you have to know when to ask for help. Raising children is never easy but they do deserve love.****
This is not an easy task. I remember when Amber was little well into her pre-teen years she grieved for her birth mother. She didn't understand why her bio-mom wasn't there and it hurt. I remember holding her on many occasion soothing her through tears of my own letting her know it was alright to cry and to miss her bio-mom. After all could I have survived my mom moving away from me at 6 years old? At 29 this would have been devastating, so how much more was it to my daughter? Looking back I think crying with her and allowing her to grieve in her way showed her that I loved her and I was there even when it wasn't easy. There were times I wished that we could just be a family without the grief and hurt, but this was the path we were walking and it would have been foolish to expect a young child to just get over it. There was a natural biological pull to her birth mom, it didn't mean I was unloved, as I have told Amber on many occasions, she has enough love for 2 moms. As the years went on our relationship grew in new ways and she knows that I would never leave her, that I would love her through anything.
A couple of years ago Alex who cried when he found out I wasn't his bio-mom wanted to reach out to his first mom and see what that would be like. I was scared but knew that this was a normal phase, he was missing a part of his life that was no longer there. He loved me but had to know this other part of him. We loved him through this journey, we were there when he had questions and doubts. This too strengthened our bond. He now says it is like I am his biological mother, I know that he had to travel to this road, it wasn't about me, it was about the man he is becoming.
When Amarissa and Annaliese were born and placed with us I read extensively on bonding with adopted infants. We wore them, took advantage of skin on skin snuggling. And were always there with comfort after a biological parent or caseworker visit, we wanted them to know that we are their parents and would always be there with comfort and love for them.
With Drew, he bonded with Donald immediately. Donald was dad to Drew immediately. It took Drew longer to want to refer to me as mom. He had been hurt and abandoned by the only mother he had ever known and he wasn't sure he needed that type of relationship in his life. I had to come face to face with the possibility that I may only be able to love and care for him in a caregiver role, but I was going to be the best most loving care giver he had ever had. He was my son no matter what. Now we have been a family for almost 5 years and I am his mom through and through. I know that he loves me and we are bonded but in those early days I wasn't so sure.
A conversation tonight put me face to face with some uneasy questions. Why did I bond with my children through so many obstacles? What makes us different than other families who became mom and dad under the same circumstances? And I think the answer is, we chose these children, through good and bad, and there have been both, but these are my children and I am their mom through all of life not just when it is easy for me to be mom. No matter what we wanted them to know that we loved them with all we had even if they rejected it. They know hurt, they know rejection that no human should ever know, and they aren't equipped as children to handle it and we didn't want to add to their hurt and rejection, so we make sure that they know how much they are and were wanted. How hard we fought to get them and to keep them. And how happy we are that God chose us to be their parents. Believe it or not we have had these conversations in the middle of temper tantrums, eye rolling, and rebellion. Children deserve unconditional love. They didn't ask to be born in families that are dysfunctional, selfish and broken, they cope the best they can. We as adoptive parents are to come alongside them and gently train them that they don't have to stay broken. It doesn't have to define who they are. Is it sad, yes it is heart wrenching, but it was an event in their life, not a defining moment. And we strive to show them all that God has brought to them since the hurt and rejection, and all that God gave us the moment He decided to place them in this family. None of this was their choice and it is up to Donald and I to be the adults and raise these children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and for us that means giving them unconditional love just as Christ has given us.
We love him, because he first loved us. I John 4:19
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Romans 8:35
As Christians we are to take Christ's love to the world, what better place to start than in our own home and with our own (step, adopted, grand) children?
***Now please don't think that I think I have it all figured out. I have had alot of love and support in my journey as a step parent and then as a foster/adoptive parent. I learned early that you have to know when to ask for help. Raising children is never easy but they do deserve love.****
2 comments:
And you and Donald are great parents and Alex and Amber and Drew and Annalies and Amaryssa are precious children
DeAnna, I have been here to watch the love bloom for these very blessed children. I know that you and I have spoken often about the issues of having a "second" mom and how it can affect a child. As I watch you and Donald with the children it is very easy to forget that there was another "parent" before. These children are so much like you both that it is funny/ I see your or Donald's mannerisms or something that one of them will say and I think to myself, this is their children. Yes they came into this world in other fashions but God blessed you all with each other for a reason.
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