The thing about grief is you can't get away from it. We as humans have to take time to grieve properly, if not it will hit you full force when you least expect it. For me it hit 7 years after the loss of our Elisabeth Grace (Libby). We were to adopt a beautiful 5lb baby girl in June of 2005. The day we were to sign the paperwork with the hospital to bring her home our world was shattered. She was not coming home with us.
At the time we had 2 children to raise so life had to go on. And to be honest Donald and I had no idea how to honor this life that had meant so much to us. What makes adoption loss so unique is there is no traditional way to grieve. Our child did not pass on to heaven, she was still alive here on this earth but did not belong to us. There would be no funeral or service to give us closure. I kept her baby things for months, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them, to be honest I kept hoping that we would get a phone call asking us to go get Libby and bring her home, they had made a mistake. Then I found myself needing to get rid of everything that we had been given/bought for her. Including pictures. Then we just chose to act like nothing had happened.
That was a big mistake. So there I was at work, in the bathroom washing my hands. Then the next thing I knew I was crying uncontrollably, it hit me, the soap was the same soap I had used 7 years ago to scrub in to see my baby in the NICU. Who would have known that this one small detail would be forever etched into my memory via my sense of smell? Just waiting for the right trigger? I remembered everything about those three days. The placement of her bed, holding her warm little body as I rocked her and talking to her about all the plans her daddy and I had for her, the first time she smiled (which by the way was the 2nd day she was alive, her daddy had come to meet her, I didn't even know that was possible) and the way I felt when she was taken away. These were tears that should have been shed 7 years ago. But how do you grieve a loss when the child is still here growing and thriving? How do you grieve when others don't even see her as having been yours? These are difficult questions but I have decided that we should and will grieve this loss. And we will honor her memory and all that she meant to us. I will talk about our sweet girl. This was a very real loss in our lives. We were to be parents to this
sweet baby and that dream was taken away. We loved her, had hopes and
dreams for our life with her that never came to be. Even though 7 years
have passed there isn't a day that goes by that we don't miss her and
wish she were here with us. I look at our two younger girls when they
play and I wonder what it would be like if there were 3, there should be
3. I wonder if Libby would be a little mother hen
encouraging the younger two to get along when they disagree. Would she
play school and insist on being the teacher? What is her favorite color,
book or television show?
Donald and I have sat together this week and cried over our loss and the beautiful memories we have of our baby. This was such a healing time for us, I just wish it hadn't taken us 7 years to take the time to heal.
