You existed before me...

Most mothers were there the moment their children were created. They were able to nurture the new life God blessed them with from the beginning. I on the other hand was not there until our children were born and in some cases well into their childhoods. They were nurtured by other mothers, aunts and sometimes family friends. These precious children knew loss well before they should have. When this happens children are forced to grieve in ways many of us could never imagine. They are left with large holes in their emotional well being. Then they are placed in new families and are expected to thrive.

This is not an easy task. I remember when Amber was little well into her pre-teen years she grieved for her birth mother. She didn't understand why her bio-mom wasn't there and it hurt. I remember holding her on many occasion soothing her through tears of my own letting her know it was alright to cry and to miss her bio-mom. After all could I have survived my mom moving away from me at 6 years old? At 29 this would have been devastating, so how much more was it to my daughter? Looking back I think crying with her and allowing her to grieve in her way showed her that I loved her and I was there even when it wasn't easy. There were times I wished that we could just be a family without the grief and hurt, but this was the path we were walking and it would have been foolish to expect a young child to just get over it. There was a natural biological pull to her birth mom, it didn't mean I was unloved, as I have told Amber on many occasions, she has enough love for 2 moms. As the years went on our relationship grew in new ways and she knows that I would never leave her, that I would love her through anything.

A couple of years ago Alex who cried when he found out I wasn't his bio-mom wanted to reach out to his first mom and see what that would be like. I was scared but knew that this was a normal phase, he was missing a part of his life that was no longer there. He loved me but had to know this other part of him. We loved him through this journey, we were there when he had questions and doubts. This too strengthened our bond. He now says it is like I am his biological mother, I know that he had to travel to this road, it wasn't about me, it was about the man he is becoming.

When Amarissa and Annaliese were born and placed with us I read extensively on bonding with adopted infants. We wore them, took advantage of skin on skin snuggling. And were  always there with comfort after a biological parent or caseworker visit, we wanted them to know that we are their parents and would always be there with comfort and love for them.

With Drew, he bonded with Donald immediately. Donald was dad to Drew immediately. It took Drew longer to want to refer to me as mom. He had been hurt and abandoned by the only mother he had ever known and he wasn't sure he needed that type of relationship in his life. I had to come face to face with the possibility that I may only be able to love and care for him in a caregiver role, but I was going to be the best most loving care giver he had ever had. He was my son no matter what. Now we have been a family for almost 5 years and I am his mom through and through. I know that he loves me and we are bonded but in those early days I wasn't so sure.

A conversation tonight put me face to face with some uneasy questions. Why did I bond with my children through so many obstacles? What makes us different than other families who became mom and dad under the same circumstances? And I think the answer is, we chose these children, through good and bad, and there have been both, but these are my children and I am their mom through all of life not just when it is easy for me to be mom. No matter what we wanted them to know that we loved them with all we had even if they rejected it. They know hurt, they know rejection that no human should ever know, and they aren't equipped as children to handle it and we didn't want to add to their hurt and rejection, so we make sure that they know how much they are and were wanted. How hard we fought to get them and to keep them. And how happy we are that God chose us to be their parents. Believe it or not we have had these conversations in the middle of temper tantrums, eye rolling, and rebellion. Children deserve unconditional love. They didn't ask to be born in families that are dysfunctional, selfish and broken, they cope the best they can. We as adoptive parents are to come alongside them and gently train them that they don't have to stay broken. It doesn't have to define who they are. Is it sad, yes it is heart wrenching, but it was an event in their life, not a defining moment. And we strive to show them all that God has brought to them since the hurt and rejection, and all that God gave us the moment He decided to place them in this family. None of this was their choice and it is up to Donald and I to be the adults and raise these children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and for us that means giving them unconditional love just as Christ has given us.

We love him, because he first loved us. I John 4:19

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Romans 8:35

As Christians we are to take Christ's love to the world, what better place to start than in our own home and with our own (step, adopted, grand) children?

***Now please don't think that I think I have it all figured out. I have had alot of love and support in my journey as a step parent and then as a foster/adoptive parent. I learned early that you have to know when to ask for help. Raising children is never easy but they do deserve love.****

Choosing Contentment

My tiny kitchen on a good day.

This week was my breaking point with our home. My kitchen was over flowing with dirty dishes, bins with specialty mixes and foods for our kids with food allergies. The kids were not getting along and all I could think about is how nice it would be to have a big yard the kids could run around in and a house that had enough storage for our things. As Donald walked through the door from work, I blurted out "Can't we sell this place, or rent it out and rent a bigger house? We don't fit anymore!" To which his reply was an understandable "No, sweetie we cannot."

Our home was built in 1974 it is made to fit a family of 4 maybe 5. We are a family of 7. Most days we make it work, some days the house wins. As I fussed about our family size in relation to our house size my Heavenly Father gently reminded me that we own our home, it keeps us dry, warm/cool and safe. We have been blessed enough to stay here the past 8 years, so it is where we have raised our children and will continue to do so. It gives them roots and for that I am grateful. In 1 Timothy 6:6-8 this is what God has to say about contentment  6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out . 8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. Nowhere in this passage does God mention a large showy home, He says if we have food and clothing let us be content, how much more have I been blessed with? So this week I have been decluttering, reorganizing and choosing contentment. Contentment, being positive and upbeat is truly a choice. We can focus on what we think we are lacking or we can see the beauty and gifts that we are blessed with daily. God only gives us one life, I don't want to waste it focusing on junk.

Getting back to Frugality

Since my surgery we haven't been as frugal as we would like. With my new diet demands food is more expensive. I was eating 5-6 small meals plus protein shakes and I like variety, that adds up to a high grocery bill. However all of this changes today. Today I was graduated to regular foods and only have to eat 3 meals a day. So it is back to being frugal for this household. I also hope to put my clothes line to good use. The weather has been unseasonably cool so that meant waiting to line dry. Drying our clothes outside really helps our electric and gas bills, which can climb into the $400.00 a month range if we are not careful. I also have plans to put two old fashioned screen doors in and a screen on the patio door so when Donald is at work we can turn off the AC and sweat it out, it isn't that bad, we have an inground pool. This too will help keep the utility bills down.

What are some of your tips and tricks for cutting costs during the summer months?

The itch has begun...

Every Spring I want to simplify our lives. I chalk this up to the normal ritual of Spring Cleaning. However I also would love, love, love a small log cabin (pioneer style) on 10 acres of land. I would love to own a milking cow, chickens and goat. The older I get the more I want a life that is free from material possessions and rich in family time and quiet. Perhaps one day I will have my little cabin on 10 acres....

My Frugal Score Today.

I headed to Kroger and Save A Lot this morning for a few groceries and found some really great deals.

Kroger: .87 Smuckers Grape Jam and .14 Cook and Serve Chocolate Pudding, Kroger Brand.
Save A Lot: 3.00 Chickens, .50 cupcake mixes

All in all not a bad score.

Magic Pill Syndrome

Before having gastric bypass everyone told me not to view this as a magic pill. It would still take hard work and devotion to achieve my goals. Surgery just gave me a new, very powerful tool to fight the battle with. I really thought I was prepared to not feed into this mindset. That is until my appointment this past Monday. I found out my total weight loss was 30lbs since surgery, I should have been excited, instead I was disappointed. I found myself wondering why my weight wasn't just melting off, afterall I had been on an additional liquid diet for 4 weeks. What I didn't think of is I had surgery, my body needed my reserves to heal. I am sure my metabolism slowed down since all I had been getting for 6 weeks were liquids and exercise was slow going since I was healing. So after a heart to heart talk with myself I have decided to look at the fact that since November I have lost 68lbs, with another 32lb loss I will have lost a 100lbs. This is something that seemed impossible just a few short months ago. And no matter what happens I have taken a step in the right direction for a healthier, better future for myself and my family. So if you are waiting for surgery try and prepare for the work that comes not just physically but mentally as well. This is sometimes an intangible battle that can get the best of you. Stick to your plan of action no matter what and keep your head held high and you will see many rewards.

Living Life With No Regrets.

The term "Living Life With No Regrets" is usually used in our society when people do things they should be ashamed of but don't want to take responsibility for their actions. For me it has come to mean something totally different.

A couple of evenings ago Donald and I were talking with my dad about life and the topic of accomplishing your dreams after you raise children came up. My first thought was "There is nothing I want more than to be home raising my children". Then I thought is that too easy? Am I taking the easy way out? So over the next few days I did some soul searching and have come to the conclusion that being married to a Godly man and raising our little ones are my dreams. It is all I have always wanted and I have it. I wouldn't do well juggling work and family, I am the type of person that has to give one thing my all and for me that one thing is my family. How could I ever regret all the afternoons helping the children with their homework, playing games and cooking dinner together? The rewards that I get from being with them are immeasurable and I am sure they will draw on these memories when they are parents raising their children. I also want to be an awesome Grandma when that time comes. You know the type that bakes cookies and holds summer camp at her house for all the grandchildren, yep that is me. I want to pass down a Godly heritage to as many generations of our family as God will allow. How blessed I am to have all that I have always wanted at 37 years old.